What Therapy Is — And What It Isn’t

Every so often, I have a session that reminds me why clarity in therapy matters — not just for clients, but for therapists too.

Recently I sat with someone who wanted me to give directives under the cloak of “feedback.” They weren’t looking for insight — they were looking for a quick fix without taking any accountability. The vibe was: “Tell me what to do, and if it doesn’t work, I’ll blame you.”

And when I didn’t hand them a script for how to live their life, the hostility came out. The doubt. The “maybe you don’t know what you’re doing” energy that had nothing to do with my ability and everything to do with their expectations.

And it brought up something important I want to say out loud:

Therapy is many things.
But it is not someone else taking responsibility for your life.

So let’s talk about what therapy is — and what it isn’t.

1. Therapy is not me telling you what to do.

If you’re coming to me expecting me to run your life for you, you’re going to be disappointed.

My job is not to make your decisions.
My job is to help you understand yourself so you can make decisions.

I will ask things like:

• “What do you actually have control over?”

• “What story are you telling yourself about this?”

• “What narrative are you repeating to others?”

• “What choices are actually on the table for you right now?”

Because therapy is about you learning how to navigate your own life — not outsourcing your agency.

2. Therapy is not about validating every story you tell.

Sometimes clients want me to agree that everyone else in their life is the problem.

But if you have repeated conflict with:
your partner,
your boss,
your family,
your friends,
your coworkers…

At some point we have to ask:
What’s the common denominator?
What does this pattern say about you?

Not as blame.
As information.

Self-awareness is where growth begins.

3. Therapy is not a place to test my credentials by demanding personal disclosure.

If someone thinks I need to share whether I have kids or what my personal life looks like in order to be effective, that’s not about my skill — it’s about their discomfort.

I don’t disclose personal details because therapy is not about me.

It’s about you.

Your patterns.
Your pain.
Your healing.

4. Therapy is a partnership — but not a dictatorship.

You bring your honesty, willingness, fear, messiness.
I bring my training, my presence, my questions, and my groundedness.

Together, we figure things out.

But you do not get to dictate the session just because the work feels uncomfortable or because I’m not saying what you want to hear.

Hostility is a defense — I recognize that.
But it doesn’t move the process forward.

5. Therapy is about change — and that change has to come from you.

You can’t ask for growth while refusing to look at your own patterns.

I will support you.
I will challenge you.
I will sit with you through the discomfort.
I will guide you.

But I can’t do your work.

Insight isn’t something I install in you.
Responsibility isn’t something I hand-deliver.
Healing isn’t something I perform on you.

You have to meet me halfway.

6. Therapy is not victimhood — it’s truth-telling with the intention to grow.

This isn’t about blaming you.
It’s about giving you back your power.

When everyone else is “the problem,” you have no leverage.
When you start noticing your own patterns, things shift.

That’s where healing starts.

A final note — for anyone who has felt “failed” by therapy.

Sometimes what feels like “therapy isn’t working” is really:

Therapy is asking you to do something you’re not ready to do yet.

That’s not failure.
That’s just honesty.

Take your time.
Be real with yourself.

But know this:
Therapy works when you work.
It’s not magic.
It’s a partnership.

And when you show up ready to look at your life — not just defend it — everything can change.